Life is as we make of it. My personal analogy is, life is the road we use to get to where we choose to be. Like a road, our lives' have many detours, stops, accidents, construction, other drivers on the road and exits to make. Some stops or detours we choose to take and others, we have no choice at all. The weather can also effect our driving whether its being extra cautious or reckless. We can choose to enjoy the ride or choose complain about every small bump in the road. Everyone's route and how we survive on this road we call life, is different.
A few years before the pandemic, I was what you would call a "workaholic". I focused on my career, making others happy and suppressing past trauma by piling work to stop my mind from overthinking. My life wasn't perfect but I had friends and coworkers to hang out with thinking my life was going as expected as a so called "adult". Through work I had connected with coworkers and was getting along with a coworker who I had considered a true friend at the time. Fast forward to a few months of hanging out outside of work and attending events, this friend would suddenly and randomly put a stop to all communication. I let that go and powered through work to fill the awkward interactions of suddenly feeling like a stranger to this person. A few months go by, a life altering event happens. My aunt and uncle were involved in a motorcycle accident. A reckless driver was on the road and collided into them costing the life of my aunt and leaving my uncle in critical condition. More feelings were pushed down and I carried on as best I could. Another month passed and my uncle was finally release from the hospital but now it meant to arrange the funeral service for his beloved wife and best friend. This was the first unexpected and tragic loss I have ever encountered. As a person who is very close with my family, this was difficult to process. I was not seeing a therapist nor a psychologist for my on going depression. All my emotions were being bottled up and pushed as far down as I could manage to focus on work. Two months go by and the day of my 31st birthday, I finally came crashing and could no longer hold in or control my emotions. I was spiraling with crying spells and uncontrollable emotions and helplessness. I needed help but didn't know what to do so, I called my primary doctor who advised I go to the ER. This was shocking to me, to think because I was emotional and unable to control my tears that this was considered a medical emergency/crisis. All my life I was raised to think the ER was only if you had a literal bone popping out, bleeding to death, or in a car accident. Yet here was my doctor telling to me to the ER for emotional distress. My parents both accompanied me to the hospital I was referred to. I remember being scared and nervous on the drive thinking, "what was going to happen to me". My initial thought was, "Am I going to be put in a straight jacket and thrown into an all white enclosed room like you see in the movies? Am I going to be strapped down and injected with medications to calm me down and just be in a sedated state?" Once I arrived, I was checked in, my vitals were taken and I was placed in a room. A nurse gave me a pill to calm me down and asked a series of questions to evaluate the state I was in. After speaking with a nurse, it was in my best interest to stay in their behavioral ward. I had no idea what that meant until I was brought up to their behavioral ward. I'll be honest, I was not looking forward to being around people as an antisocial and introverted person. I was not looking forward to group therapy sessions and not having any privacy while being admitted to the behavioral ward. However, what I experienced and the support of the nurses as well as the consulars, was just the start of getting out of my comfort zone to open up about myself in order to begin my healing.
Today, about six years later of therapy and putting myself first, I learned what it was to be genuinely happy. I finally broke free of the mask I hid behind to please others and neglect what I wanted in life. My mental health did a full 180 and I was happy to be alive. I finally had control of the road I chose for myself and could stop detouring my life. I would have never imagined myself feeling that way again. Of course life isn't perfect and there are still ups and downs here and there but I am able to bounce back with the tools I learned through therapy. Without these tools and a different mind set, I would never have been able to get through the hardest event to date. Three months ago, I lost my father without any prior warning. No one ever wants to imagine losing a parent and I for one did not expect to lose him so soon. If it wasn't for my therapist and accepting that I needed help, I would be returning to the behavioral ward once again.
Why am I sharing all this information and starting my first post with sad personal life story? Well, if you made it this far, thank you for reading and this is why I opened up with my most personal experience with mental health. If you have ever felt hopeless, depressed, unloved, like you've failed at life, you are not alone. I wanted this first post to encourage mental health awareness and that there is hope. There are still so many people who neglect their mental health and think there is no outlet to what they are going through. I have been there and as my therapist first told me,"I promise, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, no one is meant to be miserable their entire lives". It isn't an over night process as I have explained in my experience but, the first step is putting you first. Help is out there.
Its okay not to be okay. If you aren't sure where to go from here and in need of help, please refer to the following suggested links:
For USA:
Call the NAMI Helpline at
800-950-6264
Or text "HelpLine" to 62640
SAMHSA’s National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357) (also known as the Treatment Referral Routing Service), or TTY: 1-800-487-4889 is a confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, in English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders.
All other countries:
*Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional or giving medical advice. My blog is based on my personal experience. Please refer to your primary care physician or a behavioral health professional for evaluation and treatment plan. Links provided are suggested links for reference available online.